The book of dicks
by grandlinegirl
Summary: A normally quiet ride to school is turned upside down when one of the passengers reveals what he's been working on. Kiba, Naruto, Sai and Sasuke. Rated for language and overuse of words meaning 'penis.'


"What are you even drawing?" Naruto grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. He reclined back in his seat, looking thoroughly miffed as he glanced at the clock and read the numbers. The really low numbers. "It's way too fucking early to be drawing, dude."

Kiba nodded in agreement in the front seat, yawning widely as he readjusted his fingers on the steering wheel and stopped at a red light, flicking his signal on to turn left towards the school. "Drawing shouldn't be legal 'til noon."

"Yeah," the blond agreed, tugging irritably at his seatbelt. "Wait, I take that back. Nothing should be legal before noon."

"Especially school. How do they honestly expect us to learn anything so early?" Kiba snorted and shook his head as he made his turn. "My brain doesn't wake up until at least eleven."

"Or at all…"

"Hey, fuck you!" Kiba growled, punching the blond in the arm. "Compared to you, I'm a fucking genius."

"Yeah, right." Naruto rubbed at the sore spot on his arm and slumped further in his seat. He purposely ignored the Inuzuka's brooding. Kiba was always a poor sport in the morning. Glancing in the rearview mirror, his eyes found their silent companion. "So what _are_ you drawing, anyway?"

Sai looked completely unconcerned with the conversation happening in the front – but then, he never seemed concerned with anything. The guy's house had burned down a few months ago and all he'd said was, 'I guess I have to find a new box to live in'.

The guy was unpopular, to say the least. He was weird – the odd man out. He cared about nothing but his art and he didn't even seem to care about that too much. His room was piled high with unfinished, nameless works and his floor was covered with so many canvasses that it was barely visible anymore.

"Hey, you! Sai! I'm talking to you!" Naruto called when the raven didn't even bother looking up. When he was _still_ ignored, he snuck his hand behind him, aiming for the notebook the teen had propped up in his lap.

That got his attention.

"Did you need something?" Sai asked absently, his sketch pencil never ceasing its movements as it slid fluently over the white page.

"Did I – Can you believe this guy?" the blond muttered. "Sai, dude… This is why everyone thinks you're a freak."

"Why should I care what they think?" the raven haired teen asked, genuinely confused. "I am simply focused on what I am doing. It is much more fulfilling working on this than it is speaking with people like you."

Naruto frowned and glanced uncertainly at Kiba. "Was that an insult?" he whispered.

"I… don't know," the brunet responded.

They both glanced back at Sai with matching frowns, eyeing him warily."

"First of all, fuck you if that was an insult. Second, we are totally fulfilling. Ask half the girl's around here. Or, in Naruto's case, ask Sasuke. Wait, no. Don't ask Sasuke. I do _not_ want to hear about their sex life," Kiba muttered.

"Well, I don't wanna hear about yours, either, fucknut!" Shooting a glare at the Inuzuka, the blond turned his attention back to Sai. "So, are you gonna show me?"

"I suppose…" Sai set his pencil down on the seat next to him and picked up his notebook, turning it around and leaning it back against his chest so the other two could see what he'd been working on.

"That's…" Naruto's eyes bugged out and he shook his head. "I don't know why I even asked."

"Dude, that's a dick!" Kiba's nose wrinkled in distaste. "A big dick… Come on, nobody has a dick that big.

"Wait." Naruto's face drained of colour and he suddenly pointed a finger at the picture. "Holy shit! That's… That's Sasuke's dick!"

"What? You know your boyfriend's cock by sight?" Kiba burst out laughing, doubling over and slapping at his knee. "Come _on_, Naruto! Oh my god, that's great! Priceless! You are one sick bastard, dude! Wait – how do you know it's his?"

"Because it curves a bit near the end and there's a little birthmark by the base, and…" Naruto flushed brightly when he saw the incredulous look on Kiba's face and then his eyes narrowed. "What? At least I'm getting laid enough to know what my boyfriend's cock looks like!"

Kiba winced. "Touché. But if it's Sasuke's, how does Sai know what it looks like in that much detail?"

Two sets of heads turned to look at the raven still sitting nonchalantly in the back as Kiba pulled into a space in the student lot and cut the engine. A pair of blue eyes gleamed with murderous intent, locked with the dark orbs belonging to the teen in the back.

"Yes, Sai… How _do_ you know what Sasuke's dick looks like? Please tell me when you found time to study it so intently." Tension and rage rolled off the blond in thick tendrils, making the interior of the car feel suffocating.

Sai didn't seem affected.

"I am a male…"

Naruto's brows furrowed and he huffed, "And? What does that have to do with anything?"

"I am a male," Sai repeated, "which means I use the male change rooms. Sasuke's locker happens to be beside mine, and I couldn't help noticing such a nice penis. The curvature is amazing and he trims his hair very nicely."

"Bahaha, Sai is in love with your boyfriend's penis! Man, this is great!"

"Shut up!" Naruto smacked the brunet in the back of the head. "It's not funny! And you! Stop looking at my boyfriend's penis!"

"He changes beside me. How will I not look at him?" Sai asked, tilting his head slightly to the side in confusion.

"Just… Just don't look! Turn your head away! Leave when he changes! Do something! Anything! You're drawing pictures of his dick! That dick is mine!"

"You own his dick? You have exclusive rights to it? But it is attached to Sasuke's body…"

"It's _mine!"_ Naruto growled. "I'm the only one that gets to look or touch! Well, except Sasuke… but just me and him! And… maybe his doctor, but that's it!"

"Interesting… So you have taken possession of another human's body part. Does Sasuke own your penis, too? Maybe I should talk to him about this…" Sai flipped through the notebook and turned it around, showing off another picture of an erect penis. This one had precome dripping from the tip and a strong hand was wrapped around the rigid shaft, a thumb stroking over the weeping head.

"Is that… Is that _mine?" _

"Dude, sick! Put that away!" Kiba flailed, turning his face away.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me! How did you…? Sai, you sick, perverted asshole! Give me that notebook!"

He made a grab for it, but it was once again pulled out of his grasp. Growling, Naruto threw his seatbelt off and launched himself into the backseat.

"Hey! Don't break my car! If you fuck anything up, I'm going to kick _both_ your asses!" Kiba warned, opening the driver's side door and jumping out. He quickly opened the back door. "Get the fuck out! My mom'll kill me if you two assholes break something! Out, out!"

Sai calmly slipped from the car, holding his notebook to his chest. Two seconds later, an enraged Naruto popped out.

"You better give me that damn notebook! You're not keeping a picture of Sasuke's dick, or mine, you little perv!"

The blond flew forward again, hands outstretched towards the notebook. Sai side stepped him and watched as Naruto tripped over his feet and crashed to the ground, cursing loudly. Pushing himself up onto his hands, Naruto lunged at the raven but Sai stuck his foot out and tripped him, sending him careening into the pavement again.

A crowd was already gathering.

"What happened?" Sasuke asked as he stepped up to Kiba, his dark eyes turning towards Sai and Naruto.

Sai had his foot placed squarely in the middle of Naruto's chest, holding him back while the blond reached desperately for the notebook. The raven didn't seem concerned in the least; in fact, he looked completely at ease while Naruto shouted profanities and threatened to rip all the limbs from his body.

"Sai's got your dick," Kiba answered with a feral grin.

Sasuke's head turned back to the brunet and an elegant brow arched. "What?"

Kiba cackled and leaned back against the car, making no move to step in and help. "Just shut up, this is my entertainment for the day."

Shrugging, Sasuke slid his hands into his pockets and leaned beside Kiba, offering up half of his bran muffin just as Sai kicked out and sent Naruto flying onto the ground once more. The blond landed in a heap on his ass.

"It looks like this is going to take a while," the Uchiha commented, a small smirk playing on his lips.

"Give me back my boyfriend's dick, _right now!"_

"Yep," Kiba agreed, stuffing half of the muffin he'd been given into his mouth, chewing happily. He laughed and little crumbs flew from between his lips. "I really, really hope it does."

It didn't take as long as the Inuzuka had hoped. After ten more minutes, there was a victorious whoop as Naruto managed to wrangle the notebook from Sai. He watched as the blond hoisted it up above his head and did a little dance before promptly ripping the two pictures out and crumpling them up, throwing them on the ground.

"And don't you go drawing any more! Actually, just wipe the image of his dick from your disgusting bra- Wait, why does this one say 'Kiba'?" he asked, staring at the page that had lain beneath the one of himself.

Kiba froze. "What? No way! You didn't do me – I mean, you didn't draw me! You better not have!"

Naruto practically giggled as he held the notebook up to the crowd. "Anyone wanna see Kiba's dick?"

A hoard of girl's immediately stepped forward.

"No! Absolutely not! Naruto, give me that fucking notebook!"

"No way!" Naruto grinned. "This is revenge for not helping me out! Some best friend you are!" Snickering, he took off, cutting through the throng of people and bolting towards the entrance to the school.

"Naruto, you fucker!" Kiba growled and grabbed his bag, shoving the bit of muffin he had left at Sasuke. It smashed all over the raven's front, but he didn't notice as he took off in pursuit.

"C'mon, girls!" Naruto called over his shoulder. "Come get it before Kiba does!"

And the chase was on. The group of girls took off after the two, squealing as they ran. Two of them tried to grab onto Kiba to keep him from catching up and his angry cries echoed through the parking lot as he struggled to get free.

"Hn," Sasuke bristled, wiping the crumbs from his shirt. He turned to walk away, but the crumpled pieces of paper on the ground caught his eye. Reaching down to pick them up, he looked over them and snorted. Tearing up the one of himself, he clutched the second one to rip it, too, but thought better of it. Instead, he straightened it out and then folded it neatly before sliding it into his pocket. It might come in handy in the future.


End file.
